Sarah's Brother Abandons His Marriage -- His Folks Think That's OK

-----Original Message-----
From: Sarah Schneider [mailto:wizzards@frontiernet.net ]
Sent: Saturday, November 16, 2002 6:55 AM
To: karl@karlloren.com
Subject: About my brother

 
Dear Karl,

O.K. Here is the situation.

My brother at the age of sixteen, moved from New York State to North Carolina to live with my sister because my mom and dad have always had problems being good and morally sound parents.

He, at the age of 17, Met a girl and thought he fell in love.

She became pregnant with their first child soon after this but tragically the child died about one hour after childbirth.

Going through a very adult trial the felt more connected than ever. He married her at the age of 19 and they decided to have a baby, or at least try again.

It was horrible. She was in the hospital through most of the pregnancy and then gave birth almost two months too early.

This child though. Through the grace of god survived and is a healthy happy baby boy. The baby was born in February 2002 and Aaron (my brother) has now decided this is too much responsibility for him and does not want to be a husband and full time father.

He left his wife and said he will pay child support and take the baby sometimes for visits and things like that.

What do I say to him.

It can't be moral of our family to just except his behavior?

I don't know how to be with his wife either. Do I stay in touch with her or just send things for the baby and hope to meet him someday?

Please help give me some advice about this problem I am having because My family believes we should be there and support every decision he has made.

Than you, Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,   Well, the usual terrible situation??  Yes!!   Well one simple point.   Yes, a family should support the members of the family.   But, look at an extreme.   If one kid murders a neighbor, would you hide the kid and lie to give him a false defense?   There must be limits to "forgiving" and "love."   Jesus taught us to love, but in about the only example of Jesus using force, he also THREW the money changers out of the temple.   Aaron did wrong.   First, he got her pregnant.  A transgression against the moral code of the group, probably.  Incidentally, the books coming to you do NOT mention marriage, but DO mention being faithful to your sexual partner.  So living with a girl, even getting her pregnant, is not immoral, in my book, but become immoral as soon as he leaves her.   So I would not criticize him for getting her pregnant, but I would accuse him of child abuse and being no longer faithful to her.   In other words, as you say, he couldn't take the responsibility.   Your family may see it as a greater sin to get her pregnant than I do, and they may not see the harm of his abandoning her??   In any event, he is guilty of depriving this child of a home with a father, and depriving the mother of emotional and loving support.  Money is not a substitute.   Any part of your family that would condone his actions? They are being immoral.   You do not solve immorality with love, only, but with confession and change of behavior and making some amends to those who have been harmed.  

Love only?  There would be no impulse to change, so giving someone "love only" without his showing remorse, and proving that he is changed, etc., that "love only" is, then, immoral.
The person doing that becomes almost as guilty as Aaron for encouraging him to continue without change.
There should be no question in your mind.  You have a duty to tell your brother what you think about his immoral behavior.
You can demand that he "do" something to handle his immorality.  I could advise further on this, but first he would have to be willing to admit he was wrong.  He probably won't.
If you can adopt this as YOUR strong feeling of what is right, you should then have no trouble speaking with and being friendly with his wife.
it is your brother who you tell, "Aaron, either you handle your immoral lack of responsibility, or I will not talk with you until you do!"
If you can see the rightness of that? Then, that is your strength in talking with the mother.
You can then make the same clear statement to any family members.  it should be clear.
With them, their own immorality is different from Aaron's but you might consider saying to them, "Parent, here is the morality of the issue.  Aaron is wrong.  Until he can see this and repair the damage he has done, I will not talk to him.  You feel he is right.  I want you to know that I strongly disagree with you.  However, your wrongness is different from his.  I will continue to talk to you and love you, for we have many other matters between us where there is no disagreement.  However, I do not want to hear any single word about Aaron unless it is that you are telling me that he is "coming around" and showing increased responsibility for his son, and wife."
(Incidentally, ONLY the wife can forgive him on this.  Any amends he tries to do?  Must be the final OK from her.)
If "parent" tells you that you are wrong, or similar, then you have little choice.  You cannot live with immoral people, whether they be strangers or parents.
The great thrust of this book is that YOUR happiness depends on the morality of those who are close to you.  If they are immoral, you will be sick and unhappy.
You have a moral duty to yourself, and to your friends, children, whoever, to keep YOUR group on the upward plane of morality, not sinking into the depths of irresponsibility.
This is pretty brutal, Sarah, I know, but this is how I see it.
Karl Loren

 PS, Sarah,

That baby is YOUR blood, your nephew.  You should see him, and you should make friends with his mother!

KL