Becky Has Problems With Her Son in a Fatherless Home

 


Karl Note:  This is an example of either very bad counseling, or good, depending on how you look at it.  In any event I see her angry, even ugly, reply to my severe evaluation as a sign that she would not respond to more gentle handling. 

In any event, the books had not yet been sent to Becky and I deleted the request before it could be acted on.  She will not be getting the two free copies.

It would be bad PR for her to associate my remarks with TWTH. Thus, if this type of counseling is to continue to be done, I can see it only being done without any connection to TWTH.  She can't do any harm to me, but she might cause a flap with TWTH.

Also, this is a good case to look at in judging whether an eMail technique of counseling is feasible or not.

Karl Loren
 

-----Original Message-----
From: bulkmsm (bulkmsm)
Sent: Saturday, November 16, 2002 3:16 AM
To: happy@happinessonline.org
Subject: Message to Karl Loren from the Happiness On Line Org


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Source:                Happiness On Line Org
Contact_FirstName:     Rebecca
Contact_LastName:      Cholip
Contact_MiddleInitial:
Subscribe:             Please send the two free books
Contact_Title:        
Contact_Organization: 
Contact_WorkPhone:    
Contact_HomePhone:    
Contact_FAX:          
Contact_Email:         crysmal2@aol.com
T1:                    crysmal2@aol.com
Contact_URL:          
Contact_Address_1:     1034 S. 76th street
Contact_Address_2:    
Contact_City:          West Allis
Contact_State:         WI
Contact_Zip:           53214
Contact_Country:       USA
Survey:                I liked the section on drugs best
ReferralHandle:       
Remote Name:           152.163.189.104
Remote User:          
HTTP User Agent:       Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; AOL 7.0; Windows NT 5.1)
Date:                  Saturday November 16, 2002
Time:                  04:15:52 AM -0700

message:

Dear Karl,
I really found this site inspirational. I have been going through some hard times with my sixteen year old son lately.Your site gave me hope and lifted my spirits. Thank you,Rebecca

Hi Karl,

       Thank you for responding to my message so quickly.

       I found out that my 16yr old son was using drugs.

My well-behaved, popular, respectful son turned into a disrespectful teenager. He got suspended from school 3xs in 3 weeks.

The last time he stole another students access card for the internet and sent a profane email to all of the school staff, principal, assistant principals, teachers, guidance dept. etc...The email went out to other schools in the district so he may be expelled from all Milwaukee County schools. He was suspended for 5 days and received a $286 ticket for disorderly conduct.

       I tried to get him into in-patient treatment. I went through his bedroom and found marijuana and pills.

However, I receive Title 19 with a HMO and in-patient treatment was not covered, I was at the end of my rope.

I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

I called his father (who we hadn't seen or talked to in many years) because I needed someone to help me save my son.

His father is now remarried and lives up north in a very rural area. I brought my son up there to stay  at least until the end of the school year. I knew I had to get him away from his friends to help him get clean. It turned out well, I think. He is with people that love him and he is out of the environment he created for himself here.

       I have used marijuana in the past so my son kept calling me a hypocrite.

However, I tried to explain the negative consequences of my choice. Now he has his own negative consequences to deal with. I have recently quit drinking also. I just didn't like the person I became when I drank.

I go to college and I am finding that many of my friends are having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am no longer going out and drinking.

I read about alcohol on your site as well, and I am interested in your book regarding this.

       Well, that should briefly fill you in on what has been going on with me. I thank you so much for your concern and understanding. I appreciate any moral advice you have to offer.

Thanks,

Becky Cholip

Dear Becky,

All I can think of is, "You reap what you sow!"

The most important thing you have done, and very good it was, was to ship him off to his father.

I don't know how much responsibility you can see in yourself here, but that is the only place I could offer any advice -- better recognition of self-responsibility.

My most strong advice is that you stop associating with any single person who uses any drugs or alcohol.

Cut them off.

They have been very bad influences on you -- and, of course, you on your son.

Until you can get cleaned up yourself, I would leave your son where he is, and perhaps visit.  Let his father know that you will be making no claims for custody until you have cleaned up your act, gotten off welfare (if you are on it) and hold a good job.

You owe your son an entire childhood that he did not have.  Instead he had a fatherless home with a druggie for a mother.  He behaved just as I would expect him to behave, and you might as well realize that you are the primary cause of this.

But, as I said, you have done one thing very right -- you shipped him off.  You also stopped drinking.

Now you must concentrate on cleaning up your own act.

You didn't tell me, but if my message doesn't tick you off completely, write again and tell me about YOURSELF -- what are you studying in college, your grades, do you work, what do you do.

Tell me about yourself.  What is Title 19?  Is that some form of welfare?

I would predict there is someone closer to you than the "girls" -- maybe a live-in guy?  or boyfriend, who is violating many of the moral codes you will find in the book.

There is someone in your life -- close to you -- who is a very bad influence on YOU.

You will need to spot that person and get him to change, immediately, or disconnect immediately.  This may well cause some fireworks.  Your life and future are at stake.

Your first priority, now, is to clean yourself up.

If you want, and have the courage, send a copy of this message to his father.  Invite him to share it with your son.  The father is now in charge, no longer you.

Let me know.

 

Karl Loren

-----Original Message-----
From: Crysmal2@aol.com [mailto:Crysmal2@aol.com]
Sent: Monday, November 18, 2002 10:24 PM
To: happy@happinessonline.org
Subject: Re: your last email

 

Hello,
         I would like a chance to respond to your last email. We obviously have differing views on many things. However, I would appreciate you reding my email anyhow and taking it into consideration, as I did yours.
       To address your first comment which was,

"It is impossible that this behavior by your son was sudden or unexpected.  It was obvious to others long ago.  It would have been to me.  You were blind."

I was not blind and it was not obvious,my son hid it very well. His grades were good (straight B's), he followed my rules, I met and liked his friends (they were all very polite and friendly kids), and he did not use around me or come home stoned. How is that  obvious? My son's behavior only changed in the last couple of weeks, so it WAS sudden and it was DEFINITELY unexpected.

Second you wrote,

"Your use of drugs was one of the main causes of his use."

Don't you realize that the FIRST thing parents do when they discover their child is using drugs is to blame themselves? I did not smoke marijuana around my children, I never condoned the use of drugs, I never supplied the drugs to my child. The cause of my son using drugs are many but I am not one of them. Society, peer pressure, and getting involved with other kids his age that were using, were all the negative influences that helped cause his drug use. My son made his own decision to use drugs. He is 16 and he has a mind of his own. Yes, his choice was bad, but it was HIS choice.

Third you wrote,

"Your use of alcohol is one of the main causes of his bad behavior."

I did not drink at home. I did not have a drinking problem. I quit drinking merely because I did not like the effect of alcohol anymore. I also wanted to be a good role model to my child. There is nothing wrong with having a few drinks with friends. I just decided to quit to make it easier for my son to see that  you can still have fun without using any chemicals or substances and this included alcohol.

Next you wrote that,

"Your continuing association with people at college who cannot understand why you don't drink anymore?  == That continuing relationship would be your further doom."

I continue to associate with these people because they are my friends. They miss me going out with them, but they do not pressure me to drink (or they would not still be my friends). I do see pending doom in my future because I have friends that chose to still drink. None of us are alcoholics, we all are very responsible people.( we had a designated driver, we all would only go out when we were able, no one missed work, or school, and we had no negative consequences from our drinking. No one ever had a DUI etc...)

Next you wrote,

"You owe your son an entire childhood that he did not have.  Instead he had a fatherless home with a druggie for a mother.  He behaved just as I would expect him to behave, and you might as well realize that you are the primary cause of this."

 My son had a very good childhood. The ONLY thing I owe him right now is what I am already giving him and that is a chance to get clean, away from all the negative influences here (NOT ME, but his friends, school etc...) My son may have grown up without a father ( And I am glad because the man was abusive and an addict). However, I was a mother and father to him and I did rather well. I definitely am NOT a "druggie". I used marijuana when I was a teenager. I told all my children about it because I am honest with them. I explained the negative consequences that come with drug use and I hoped that they would learn from my mistakes.

You wrote that I shipped my son off and that I am no longer in charge the father is.
I did not ship my son off. I removed him from his environment. I know it is too hard to ask a teenager to quit using but still expect them to go to the same school, and see their same friends. The peer pressure would have been intense I am sure. I AM still in charge of my son. I am working WITH his father to help save our son. I still retain full custody.

I am a Psychology major with a 4.0 grade point average. I have learned what NOT to ever do once I get my Master's degree and start working with people, by corresponding with you. I am just concerned now for others that may turn to you for guidance when they are having problems. When someone is looking for guidance they do not deserve to be judged. When someone is looking for understanding they do not need to be blamed. I am a very centered and well-adjusted woman so I can read your condescending words and not be affected by them. I worry about the people that are not so stable. I hope you realize that when and if you treat someone else the way you treated me, it may very well push them over the edge. I think you should learn to be more empathetic and kind. That is really what people are looking for in times of crisis. Trust me we blame ourselves enough!

As an added note I would like to include the following information for you;
 

A Washington Post and ABC News poll conducted in 1997 found that more than 55% of the parents interviewed acknowledged that they had smoked marijuana sometime in their lives, and one out of five admitted using other illegal drugs.  Marijuana is something many parents have themselves experienced. If your approach is, "Do as I say, not as I do," you are indeed being hypocritical. However, if you openly discuss your experiences with your children, you are being honest, not hypocritical. All of us have done things we regret. Offering children an opportunity to learn from your experiences is a wonderful part of being a parent. Moreover, seeing you in human terms makes it easier for your children to relate to you and the message you are giving them.

Copyright © 1999.
Phoenix House
 

Sincerely, Rebecca Cholip

Dear Rebecca,   I did read it all.   The key is in one word.  Psychology.   anyone who studies that stuff is like you -- in denial.   I have nothing more to say.   KL