Readers Responses To The WSJ Article on "Girl Meets Boy"

RE: ("Girl Meets Boy¹") Speaking as a parent, the problem that this study reveals is the current lack of boundaries between young men and women living outside of families. Sexual divisions create a haven where each boy or girl can build a healthy sense of identity for themselves, and traditionally, the date would help bridge this divide. Each player would show a mastery of its role -- the boy his knowledge of the outer world, and the girl her femininity and attractiveness. The decline of boundaries within coed college settings therefore means the disappearance of the college date.

Before college, the family unit provides the appropriate boundary to the teenager. Single-sex colleges used to step into the breach and to serve "in loco parentis" to each young man or women. They did this by imposing curfews and physical separation. The movement to coeducation required college administrators to abandon their "in loco parentis" role because the abandonment of the boundaries that were the heart of that role eliminated any ability to fill it. Thus, now we cast our children loose in college to find their own boundaries or not... . One of the few remaining equivalents of a safe harbor may be the athletic team.

Boys and girls begin to discover the usefulness of boundaries between the sexes on their own only after they graduate college. See, e.g., the movie, "Swingers," where a young college graduate is introduced by his more experienced, non-college graduate friends, to the intricate dating rituals of the Los Angeles club scene circa 1996.

As a society, for the fostering of the self esteem of our children, we need to take a fresh look at the enduring value of single-sex colleges and institutions, or, at the very least of enforcing healthy social boundaries between men and women within co-educational institutions.

William F. Swiggart
wfs@swiggartagin.com

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I was dismayed to read your description of the boy-girl "thing" on American campuses. Why? Because that's exactly the way it was when I was in school (mid-80s), which means time hasn't changed a thing. What's even worse is that the environment you so aptly painted has extended into adult life, in general. You could have left out the campus references completely and you would have hit the nail on the head for the state of male-female relationships even in my "advanced" 30s. My 20s and now 30s have shown me that neither men nor women really know what to do with each other once "found" even though we are considered "of the age" in which we should know what to do with each other. Thought I wasn't around (at least cognitively) for the feminism movement, I know I was a necessary step in human kind's evolution. However, isn't it time we lay aside the fear bred by feminism and learn how to be with each other? I just wonder that if young adults can't do it (who are supposedly untainted by years of negative experiences in the romance area) who will?

Suzanne Jackson
Charlottesville, Va.

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The examination of the college mating ritual, although interesting and likely accurate, is only half complete if we are to agree that its purpose is to gauge the health of the institution of marriage on the American post-modern college campus. Unless the editors of the Wall Street Journal are implicitly in support of same-sex marriage, the analysis cannot be complete without a similar examination of the expectations and attitudes of the college men who are the other half of courtship.

Given what details we do know of these rituals as currently practiced, and as correctly pointed out in this editorial, the primary difficulty is a lack of useful information for both sexes. The practical outcome of the evolution of public thinking on this issue, in spite of its origins in the 1960's, is a new Puritanism that scorns the value of close personal relationships in favor of impersonal economic success. I note the irony behind the post-modern attempt at a cure to the failings of traditional values on courtship, a cure that matches the disease in almost every detail.

While the editorial may find better ironic meaning in the failings of feminist efforts that have led to the current sad state of affairs, I believe that it is more constructive to consider how we can encourage college men and women to understand each other's stake in the courtship process. With better information, I expect that natural human intelligence and creativity would quickly resolve most of the problem.

Richard A. Libby
Richard.Libby@barclaysglobal.com

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I don't understand the fixation on the women? In the old world it took two to tango.

Where and when do parents and churches address the responsibility of the male? Sadly, from my generation (graduation in '66) on, I have viewed my fellow males as searching out anything in heat... like my dog does. Self satisfaction has been the norm with no consideration for the consequence!

How about the responsibility of begetting children that will not have the proper family structure? How about taking responsibility so that society as a whole doesn't have to?

Where are the churches and parents? Until our society grapples with the source, church and parents, both of whom have lost touch, we will continue with "woe is me!"

Fred Redslob
frederic.redslob@lpl.com

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Your piece makes absolutely no sense. For decades women have wanted social equality with men. Now they have it. Every instance of man and woman in that piece could be reversed and it would still hold true. Why is the current social scene any worse for women than for men? The article assumes that men somehow know more about relationships than women and use this to take advantage of them. This is entirely unfounded.

Carl Friddle
cfriddle@lexgen.com

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Ahhh, just another side benefit of substituting money for morals. If young people must be "taught" about morality when they reach collegiate ranks the game is already lost. But then most liberal types think one should "make it up as you go along" so What's the Problem?

I was taught that Birds Do It, Bees Do It but you don't do it until you are married and can support a family. And the message arrived about the time I reached puberty. Of course I had a very Christian upbringing which seems to be out of vogue these days. Something about Mammon and Morality.

William Roberts
Austin, Texas

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Gosh -- you guys love to beat up on feminism. What on earth does this study on dating rituals have to do with whether feminism has failed U.S. college women? Because women may not find husbands in college? How about considering changes in the wage gap and employment opportunities for young women when evaluating the impact of women achieving higher educational levels.

Why is it good news that "the survey finds that marriage is a major life goal for the overwhelming majority of college women" and "the bad news is that the overall context in which young women attend college today is thoroughly unsuitable for meeting these goals." Is this why we're sending our young women to college -- to find a husband? I thought the notion of women getting a "MRS degree" was dated.

I just can't help wonder what planet the author of this article is from or how this gets past your editorial desk. Why would we expect universities to be responsible for helping women to find husbands and if one thinks that in not doing so, universities are failing young women -- why would they not be failing young men as well?

Jennifer Tabak
Columbus, Ohio

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Your editorial, if I understand it correctly, says young men in college need to take more initiative in approaching women for relationships. We just spent 10 years trying to make male sexual aggressiveness a 'castration' offense in college. Men are told that they must rein in their sexual urges and wait until a woman is cold sober, aware of what she is doing (in front of witnesses preferably), and then only if she clearly and unmistakably desires sexual contact, can the college-age, hormone-infected male take some 'initiative'. Even then, even if she comes to your room in the middle of the night and naked, a male can be later charged with rape. Even if she admits she consented to sexual contact numerous times before by the same exact male, absent any evidence other than the woman subsequently felt 'uncomfortable', the college can expel him. All without 'due process'.

What's your next proposal ? More bullets in the gun during 'Russian Roulette'.

Ed Burke
Riverhead, N.Y.

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