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JMU Dating : Games of Olympic Proportions

"Players in the JMU Dating Game" [JMU = James Madison University] was the title of the center spread article in The Breeze on Jan. 25. I've never read a more honest or hilarious account of life at this vacation resort, and it's rumored that I read this paper rather carefully on occasion.

The article took a bunch of students involved in the Game and asked them to define dating at JMU. The consensus was this: dating does exist at JMU, it's just a little irreverent, and there are several levels: hanging out, hooking up, seeing each other, dating and going out.

The levels of the Game overlap, as dating and going out both generally mean that a man and a woman are "seeing each other" on a regular basis. Hanging out and hooking up both essentialyl mean you're getting some action without having to put the "dating" label on it. Then there's seeing each other, which basically means you're hooking up on a more regular basis without having to commit to anything, if I interpreted the definitions my peers offered correctly.

Everyone knows the deal here, so I won't go into the technical terms. But I have another element integral to the JMU Dating Game to throw out. The author of the story went into the stages of "the Game," but what about the games within the Game itself? JMU students -- both male and female -- play ALL the games.

If you've seen "Swingers," you know what I'm talking about. Phone tag, e-mails, parties, drinking and waiting the right amount of time to act...or not act. You name the situation in the Game and there is a game for it. In fact, you know what? At JMU, we're all so good at the games, we should apply to the International Olympic Committee to have the JMU Dating Game anointed a sanctioned Olympic event -- it's too bad the IOC is busy self-destructing as we speak.

But think about it, JMU students who play the games within the Game have to be flexible, patient, creative and reasonably well-toned. They must have endurance, mental dexterity, the ability to make quick contingency plans and agility. The games are akin to a horizontal heptathalon. More or less, there are about seven events and two (or more) contestants at a time.

First you have warm-ups: the initial meet. Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. Boy and girl think, "Hmmmm. That's one fine-looking (fill in your noun of choice). What do I have to do to get his/her attention?"

Let the Games begin!

Event #1: Harmless flirting. Boy and girl have mutual attraction and talk at a party. Maybe they have a class together. Maybe boy has seen girl checking her e-mail at Taylor Down Under or recognizes her from the post office. Boy casually asks if girl is seeign anyone -- testing the waters for a boyfriend. No boyfriend? Green light! (Not that the chances were great girl would have a boyfriend because according to JMU students, you just dont' see that much around here.) girl obliges, gets all cutesy, maybe her voice even gets a little higher as boy's voice gets lower.

Event #2: Physical contact. We've established harmless flirting and have both scored points if we've done it right. So now it's on to contact. At a party, guy asks girl if she wants another beer (event #3) while putting hand on girl's shoulder, or maybe brushing girl's cheek. Girl obliges, and touches guy's arm with the yes answer.

Event #3: Keg vault. This is the easiest event to rack up points. Guy gets girl beer, brings it back to her and doesn't spill it on her. Score! This leads to Event #3.5: Pre-pillow talk. (It's not an official event because everyone has a different technique and line depending on how much alcohol has been consumed.) Guy and girl firgure out that the evening is headed in the hook-up direction and determine the best route to get there. It could be a marathon with waffling or a 100-meter dash to the finish. It all depends if the parties involved are tortoises or hares.

Event #4: The hook-up. As defined in the article, this coudl be anythign from kissing to sex. How fast do you run? After the first four events, inevitably there has to be a breather (in the Olympics, the heptathalon is a two-day affair). Boy and girl think about what they've done (or not done). Many times the game ends here because the alcohol wears off. That's the way the Game is played at JMU all too often. But for the true players (not in the Bill Bellamy sense, in the spirit of competition), more events lie ahead.

Okay, so you've decided this person is worth a little effort. Maybe you're attracted to them and just want to "hang out." Maybe you want to "date." Whatever you want to do, the road to that destination is the same: full of gigantic potholes.

No matter what you did or didn't do, there's always the first awkward post-hook-up hello. To make it easier (unless an unfortunate chance meeting occurs), you head to the phone lines to resume playing the game.

Event #5: Phone tag. Boy calls girl. Girl waits the required day (or more) mandated in "Swingers" like a moron. Boy either gets impatient and calls or blows girl off until girl tags boy again. Boy and girl finally talk and make tentative plans to go out. There are four to seven scenarios here (these games are a bit complicated, aren't they): Boy says he will call girl, but then doesn't; boy says he will call girl and girl is "conveniently out;" boy and girl get signals crossed and have to start tag over again; boy and girl get on the same page and follow Marvin Gaye's direction. Three of these scenarios could be reversed if girl makes the moves instead of resting on her laurels.

Event #5 is pivotal, as it can make or break the Game. If things don't go right on the phone, maybe boy and girl don't see each other because each starts to over-analyze a situation that is probably in all reality much simpler than they think it is.

Or maybe boy and girl freak out and decide to drag Event #5 out for weeks because neither is "man" enough to do anythign about a possible "relationship." NOT THE "R" WORD!! See, the problem here is that event #5 can be dragged out because of miscommunication -- maybe boy thinks girl wants to see boy on regular basis and girl just wants to hang out and watch the Duke/Carolina game. Or maybe girl assumes boy could never be interested, so she does her best to blow him off as a defense. Again, what we have here is the omnipresent possibility of more games -- mind games -- spinning off of Event #5 and looming ominously overhead. Points are given for the creativity with which one performs Event #5; however, this is where points can be taken away with vigor. Like I said before, Event #5 is pivotal. So if you're going to play this game, you better do it right.

Event #6: E-mail tag. A contingency plan used if phone calls don't work. Just another method of communication. But you get more points for the phone because it's more direct and you have a better chance of actually talking to boy/girl.

Event #7: Round two. Made it through the other events? Congratulations, but no medal for you. You may attend the closing ceremoines of the JMU Dating Olympics. You can see the doves, fireworks, and all the other pomp and circumstance, but you can't touch any of it.

Now you get to start over again, if you're a game player. Train your best, get that endurance built back up because you get to keep going around in the same circles. Will you get instant gratification? Possibly. Will you enjoy that? Certainly. But you will get tired and old after a while (around your 21st birthday or shortly thereafter). Just like any athlete, your body will break down from excessive wear and tear, and your mind will cry out for a rest. You'll want to find someone, settle down and be done with the games. But it's easier to say you want to stop than to actually do so. There are those people at JMU that eventually learn the obvious -- games don't get you anywhere -- and take steps to have a "game over" moment. And you know what? They are those happy people at JMU you've heard of.

So be direct. Take a chance. Break the JMU Dating Game rules. Tell him/her exactly what you want. You might get burned, but it's a hell of a lot easier than playing these asinine games. It will probably get you further, too.

Chances are if you're playing games, the person you're playing games with is a better JMU heptathlete, and you're going to lose.

Besides, nobody is worth snagging if you have to play games to get them.