The Nine Rules Of Dating

The nine rules of dating

MARY RENEE SMITH

Sometimes I wish we mated like ferrets.

The male ferret jumps on the back of the female and grabs her neck in his jaws, cutting off the circulation to her brain, which makes her passive. He then does the dirty deed and leaves.

I know it sounds primitive and violent, but it would be a hell of a lot easier than dating.

I don't understand dating. I know what the purpose is, I guess.

The real biological purpose is to mate. Procreation is a powerful force. But the purpose for most of us right now is a little different. Well, for some of us the purpose is different.

There are rules to dating. I don't know them.

Actually, no one I know knows the rules. A friend of mine pointed out that no one will tell him what the rules are, but they are anxious to tell him when he breaks them.

In my never-ending mission to make life simpler and generally easier to understand, I am going to attempt to put the laws into writing.

I have done extensive research (actually, I just asked a few friends and my mom) and have come up with what I consider the most important rules of dating.

Please note these rules are all worded with men who date women in mind.

On the whole, men seem to be more confused than women when it comes to dating. However, the essence of these rules is assumed to be the same for everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Rule One: Sexual intercourse changes every rule. Nudity of one party or both parties can in some cases modify the rules.

Rule Two: Every rule has an exception or two or three.

Rule Three: The ambulance-chaser rule. There is an appropriate waiting period after someone breaks up before you can ask them out. I am unsure as to exactly what this waiting period is, but I know it is longer than five minutes and shorter than a month.

Rule Quatro: The rebound rule. Never, ever date people who are not over their last significant other. This is bad. You will be forced to listen to stories of love lost and told you can't go to Applebee's because he used to take her there.

Signs she is still holding a flame: She refers to his current girlfriend as the whore from KU, and she is mysteriously busy on weekends he is in town.

Rule Five: As Olympia Dukakis said in "Moonstruck," "Don't shit where you eat." Try your hardest not to date anyone you work with.

Teachers should not date students. Bartenders should not date servers. Checkers should not date baggers.

The only possible exception to this rule is if the individual you wish to date works in a different department or section of the organization than you. Even then, use extreme caution.

Rule Six: The I'll-call-you rule. Men seem to have a particularly hard time with this one.

Let's say after a night of conversation, a woman gives you her number and tells you to give her a call. It is appropriate to call the next day; you will not seem too anxious.

This first call should be a casual call, and you should include your name and the location of your first encounter so she can definitely identify you.

You may at the time of this first call express your intent to call again later in the week with plans for a date.

Rule Seven: The sisters, aunts, cousins and mothers of women you have dated are off-limits unless you live in Arkansas or certain counties in Mississippi.

Her best friend is a no-no, as well as the sisters, aunts, cousins and mothers of any of your friends.

The rule that is eight: The rule of who pays. The man.

To hell with women's liberation. If you are the man, and I am sure you know how to tell, you will be footing the bill unless otherwise arranged before the date. In same-sex relationships the person who asks for the date pays.

Ninth in the list of rules: Follow your heart. Rules are meant to be broken. We can't all be as lucky as ferrets, but if you bite someone in just the right place you might get lucky.

Mary Renee Smith is a sophomore in journalism and mass communications and can be reached at mojo@ksu.ksu.edu

Copyright 1996, Student Publications Inc. All rights reserved.
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